The disintegration of a couple

Of all the things I have failed at, I think coupledom is my grandest.

I’ve lost myself over the years, living in relationships I worked so hard at, yet I sincerely think my heart wasn’t there.  They were relationships out of convenience, out of control, and far past what I expected them to be.  I don’t believe that we only have one soul mate.  I am an avid believer in many loves, and I know that makes me who I am.  I can lose love, and have faith in knowing there’s another one.. no matter how many.  I guess after my last relationship I lost some faith.  I’ve always joked with friend for years that I have “a switch”.  I think this “switch” is off for a while.  I don’t get attached, I don’t want to be attached.. and it’s weird because everyone around me is falling in love.

My “switch” is something I have referred to since high school, after a 3 year relationship (all of high school almost) drama was finally over.  I lost friends over it, I lost myself, and I lost a piece of me.  I DO know why it hurt so bad.  Between the cheating, lying, and tangled webs, it was a sour high school romance destine to fail.  I always swore I’d marry a man with the same last name as my Father.  That was I could be the girl that carried on her Daddy’s last name, and never had to change my signature (hahahha).  I know now that it was silly.  All the other girls dreamed of Princess dresses, and fairytale weddings, and I just wanted to make my Dad proud.  I’ve dated two men with the same last name.

My Mom and Dad met much later in life, and so there’s an awesome piece of me that knows I’m in no hurry to find a man to share the rest of my life with, yet I have an overwhelming sense of sadness knowing I’m getting to age where (only because of my recent experiences) that there are an amazing amount of men desperate to be married.  You’d think, as a girl, it would be easy to find a man to enjoy time with (when we have time) and yet not have to worry about getting into all the drama of a relationship.

Recently someone said I was just like a guy, just wanting what I want, and nothing else.  I have been spending time with someone, just like me, enjoying his company.  I guess in public you’d think we were a couple.. but I don’t have to hold his hand, or snuggle on the couch.. because I’m just me.  It’s just two people enjoying the other.  However, he gets butthurt when I am too busy, or unwilling to make it to his side of town.  He recently bickered with me about something, and my return statement was “if I wanted to bicker, I’d be dating”.  He likes our arrangement, but he’s allergic to cats, so I understand why he hasn’t been by my place.  It’s always my effort to go there, so therefor it’s on my terms.

I was going through my closet, cleaning and arranging, and found pictures of my 4 yr. relationship.  It’s hard because I can just SEE how happy we were.  Eventually the feeling swept over me, and I went back to the day I begged him to talk to me and what I heard, broke my heart.  I look around our pictures of our apartments, and say “that’s mine, that was his, I forgot to get that back..” and think how hard it was to move away from the home we made.  All the memories, the friends, the thought of always having him by my side.

Now I am in my very own place.  Today I am cleaning, and getting rid of some things.  I have RARELY ever thrown away photos.  Those are memories, good or bad, and the pack rat in me thinks it’s wrong to get rid of them.  Today I took a big step for pack rats.  I threw out a ton of photos of me and my most recent ex.  The memories aren’t that great, and I honestly can only remember one really truly incredible moment.  We had good and bad, but there was one day I just was bursting from the inside.

We were driving to Page, AZ to go to my Nephew’s wedding.  He was meeting my parents for the first time.  You have to drive through all these hills, and I was so freaked out, because I hate curvy roads in the mountains.  He drove so slow, played awesome classic rock, and we sang and smiled the whole way there.  Midway through I wanted to tel him I loved him.  I just couldn’t stop looking at him, and smiling.  That night in the hotel, I bursted.  I couldn’t hold back, and he said it back.  I was in love, once again, with this man whom I thought was the best slice of pie.  It made me so happy.

Out of all the rotten things we’ve been through, I don’t regret where I am.  I’m glad to have rid myself of him.  A lot of things change once you move in with someone.  I had done it before, and thought nothing of it after knowing this man for 5 years.  Lesson learned.

So throwing away some, yes some, of the memories actually feels really good.  We were just too different.  We had nothing in common.  I remember the day I moved out I left him things that were mine, because I felt bad I took everything out of that place.  I mean, really, all my things made it a home.. all the pictures/frames were mine, the cozy things, etc. etc.  I even took my trash can.. but I left him a few bags for his old one.

I’m not a romantic, really..

The only little thing that I miss, are kisses.  THOSE, my friends, weaken me.