She’s fragile.

She doesn’t want to let anyone in. Call me jaded… I guess I’ve always fell back on that, because it puts the cement in my wall.  It keeps my bricks together.

I have someone I enter-twine with.. and I have these stupid moments where I get mixed up.. and think too much.

I am so beside that feeling now.

My Rajah is hurting.. and I have to go say goodbye.

No more drool on my skin, no more lil kisses and mild meows.. no more memories.

how do you say goodbye to a pet?  I mean she was a massive part of my life.  She has seen the good, the bad.. loved every boyfriend, and loved them all the same.. never knowing they broke my heart.  She’s been my Precious since the day I picked her up at Humane Society.  She was labeled “Pouncer” and we renamed her b/c she totally wasn’t a Pouncer.

She is Rajah.

The most majestic, lovely, kitten.  I remember her the day I got her.  I’m going to get the pic and post as soon as my Mom gets it for me.  I’ve had boyfriends that have hated cats.. and loved her.

There’s a reason.

Listen to Norah Jones “The Long Day is Over” and tell me you can’t feel it.

She would wake up next to me when I was in high school and shift.. walk over my boobs, I would get so mad.

She would sit in the kitchen and I would just whisper “Precious” and she would run to my bedroom to hit the sack.

She would lay on the kitchen floor with me and my friends when we were up late to eat snacks.

She would curl into your body in bed, like she was one with you.

She would put her head down and nuzzle you – didn’t matter who you were.

I am just swollen with ache.. and somehow the tears keep coming.

I knew the day would come, and I don’t want her to suffer.. hence my horrid decision. I’m just gunna go see my Raj, spend all the time I can before she goes, and give her a million kisses.

xoRajxo

A time so sit amongst yourself and reflect upon those things which plague or satisfy your mind.

That is my definition.

I would think you would typically do this alone, in quiet, in a chosen peaceful place.  I however chose to use words, or photography to reflect upon my thoughts.

Lately, writing a post and leaving it unfinished has been a pattern for me.  I’m really good at starting something, and leaving the finale for a later date.  As irritating as it sounds to you, it’s worse for me.  I’m thinking my thoughts and ADD are in a whirlpool and even they don’t know where they’re going.  It’s hard to describe, but it’s like living in constant motivation to complete a task, or go run an errand, and not having the means to do so.  Like for instance- knowing you need to go to the country store 40 miles away, but you don’t have a car.. yet my grocery store is like 1.2 miles away, and my car still runs.

A constant pour of luck (no jobs, don’t get excited, oh wait.. that’s me) and love has come my way since I’ve been laid off.  I’m in a whirlwind of people to call, Email, visit.. and I just can’t keep up.  You’d think I’d have all the time in the world… but yet my stress has weighed heavy on my heart.  I love change, I love the unknown.. but my life has always felt so good when there’s a plan.. yet as I reflect, there’s never been a plan.

I move a lot, I’ve never owned my own place, I’ve never rented my own place until now..

I date guys with a big heart, but it always turns out sour.

I sit down and I write and write and write, but I never post.

Sometimes even thought you have faith in yourself, and your dreams.. you start to lose luster in those dreams and gain a sense of survival.  Although you maybe go a little stircrazy in this time, you have to reflect on the good times, and never let yourself down.  I’m reaching out to this, and trying to live vicariously through the old me, the strong me, the ME that knows I can get through this.

Right now I’m feeling a little neutral, but I’m challenging myself to try and figure out what I can do to get myself into gear.

The competition never stops, the drive never ends, it’s always there.  It’s YOU that can put in park, or chose to drive.

Of all the things I have failed at, I think coupledom is my grandest.

I’ve lost myself over the years, living in relationships I worked so hard at, yet I sincerely think my heart wasn’t there.  They were relationships out of convenience, out of control, and far past what I expected them to be.  I don’t believe that we only have one soul mate.  I am an avid believer in many loves, and I know that makes me who I am.  I can lose love, and have faith in knowing there’s another one.. no matter how many.  I guess after my last relationship I lost some faith.  I’ve always joked with friend for years that I have “a switch”.  I think this “switch” is off for a while.  I don’t get attached, I don’t want to be attached.. and it’s weird because everyone around me is falling in love.

My “switch” is something I have referred to since high school, after a 3 year relationship (all of high school almost) drama was finally over.  I lost friends over it, I lost myself, and I lost a piece of me.  I DO know why it hurt so bad.  Between the cheating, lying, and tangled webs, it was a sour high school romance destine to fail.  I always swore I’d marry a man with the same last name as my Father.  That was I could be the girl that carried on her Daddy’s last name, and never had to change my signature (hahahha).  I know now that it was silly.  All the other girls dreamed of Princess dresses, and fairytale weddings, and I just wanted to make my Dad proud.  I’ve dated two men with the same last name.

My Mom and Dad met much later in life, and so there’s an awesome piece of me that knows I’m in no hurry to find a man to share the rest of my life with, yet I have an overwhelming sense of sadness knowing I’m getting to age where (only because of my recent experiences) that there are an amazing amount of men desperate to be married.  You’d think, as a girl, it would be easy to find a man to enjoy time with (when we have time) and yet not have to worry about getting into all the drama of a relationship.

Recently someone said I was just like a guy, just wanting what I want, and nothing else.  I have been spending time with someone, just like me, enjoying his company.  I guess in public you’d think we were a couple.. but I don’t have to hold his hand, or snuggle on the couch.. because I’m just me.  It’s just two people enjoying the other.  However, he gets butthurt when I am too busy, or unwilling to make it to his side of town.  He recently bickered with me about something, and my return statement was “if I wanted to bicker, I’d be dating”.  He likes our arrangement, but he’s allergic to cats, so I understand why he hasn’t been by my place.  It’s always my effort to go there, so therefor it’s on my terms.

I was going through my closet, cleaning and arranging, and found pictures of my 4 yr. relationship.  It’s hard because I can just SEE how happy we were.  Eventually the feeling swept over me, and I went back to the day I begged him to talk to me and what I heard, broke my heart.  I look around our pictures of our apartments, and say “that’s mine, that was his, I forgot to get that back..” and think how hard it was to move away from the home we made.  All the memories, the friends, the thought of always having him by my side.

Now I am in my very own place.  Today I am cleaning, and getting rid of some things.  I have RARELY ever thrown away photos.  Those are memories, good or bad, and the pack rat in me thinks it’s wrong to get rid of them.  Today I took a big step for pack rats.  I threw out a ton of photos of me and my most recent ex.  The memories aren’t that great, and I honestly can only remember one really truly incredible moment.  We had good and bad, but there was one day I just was bursting from the inside.

We were driving to Page, AZ to go to my Nephew’s wedding.  He was meeting my parents for the first time.  You have to drive through all these hills, and I was so freaked out, because I hate curvy roads in the mountains.  He drove so slow, played awesome classic rock, and we sang and smiled the whole way there.  Midway through I wanted to tel him I loved him.  I just couldn’t stop looking at him, and smiling.  That night in the hotel, I bursted.  I couldn’t hold back, and he said it back.  I was in love, once again, with this man whom I thought was the best slice of pie.  It made me so happy.

Out of all the rotten things we’ve been through, I don’t regret where I am.  I’m glad to have rid myself of him.  A lot of things change once you move in with someone.  I had done it before, and thought nothing of it after knowing this man for 5 years.  Lesson learned.

So throwing away some, yes some, of the memories actually feels really good.  We were just too different.  We had nothing in common.  I remember the day I moved out I left him things that were mine, because I felt bad I took everything out of that place.  I mean, really, all my things made it a home.. all the pictures/frames were mine, the cozy things, etc. etc.  I even took my trash can.. but I left him a few bags for his old one.

I’m not a romantic, really..

The only little thing that I miss, are kisses.  THOSE, my friends, weaken me.

I spent most of my teenage life typing furiously away on my keyboard, or jaunting down thoughts and stories in a notebook.

I excelled in English, and found a passion no one I associated with could understand.  I eventually decided on Photojournalism, or “Photocommunications” as the school called it, and I was dead set.

I modeled for a while early on, and had my heart set on that too. I had this whole plan of making money in commercial print, then moving to CA so I could go to Brook’s Institute, and pursue a career in Photocommunications.  However, eventually because of ridiculous thoughts planted in my head from the boyfriend of 3 years, and friends, I stayed in AZ.

What do I regret in my life?

Never taking that chance.  I let everyone but me decide my destiny.  Photography is my passion.  I don’t even own a working camera right now, and it kills me everyday.  I went from enjoying the camera on either side, to just wanting to be the one who snaps the moment.  I do regret some things in my life.  I know you shouldn’t, but I think it’s my human right to do so.

I used to write like no other.  I used to stay after with my English teachers to talk about how to improve my writing.  Now because I’ve been out of school so long, I doubt my spelling at times.  I lose inspiration as the days go on.  I have moments of brilliance, and moments of stupidity.  I just wish I had that passion I once had, years ago.

My goal is to get a camera, no matter what kind, back in my hand.  I think my writing stems from my visions, and without those moments captured in time, I lose myself and forget.  Hence my 365.  It may not be taken with the best camera, but it means something to me.  It’s letting me capture a moment, capture a feeling, and let’s me write about my day, even in layman’s terms.  SO please bare with me, I’m learning my way once again.  I’m open to new things, and hoping they only expand my path so I can lead myself back to the path I once wanted to travel.

For the first time at 27 I’m living alone.  I never went off to college like so many people have.  I’ve never had student loans, or lived in a dorm.. I’ve always had roommates, and I’ve lived with two boyfriends.

So when I moved out on my own, quite hastily, I knew I’d be having moments like I am now.

I NEVER eat frozen dinners, and I just got home from the grocery store with 10 for $10 Michelina’s dinners for lunch the next 10 days.  My habits make me sick when I think about the fact I’ll be eating Mac n Cheese Bake, Chili Mac, and Chicken Broccoli Alfredo pasta for lunch at work, did I mention for TEN DAYS?!  I eat out all the time, I smoke, and god knows I can’t resist a Sunday early brunch at my old bar with a minimal bar tab!  If only I could learn to save more during the week, and just start cooking again.

I used to be sooo good at cooking and planning meals for lunch.  I used to eat at my desk, and never worry about being questioned with “where do you want to go for lunch?!?!” every day.  When I had roommates, I would never stress about spending $120 at Target, or buying $300 worth of clothes/shoes online.  Nowadays, I’m buying my cats cheap food to get them through, and stocking up on items that I’d never normally even put in my freezer.

So now I will put myself to the test.  How and can I live thru this next 8 days on next to nothing, and how can I change my ways one that paycheck hits the bank?  I’ve put together a plan, and this is something I can NOT and WILL not procrastinate on.

I am notorious for putting things off.. and now that I will have PLENTY of time to sit at home the next week and a half, I’m going to start the change now.

Sometimes at night, I will pull the clothes out of the dryer (if it doesn’t get hung up, it gets thrown in a drawer) and if it doesn’t get hung up, I don’t care if it’s wrinkly, so I’ll throw it on my kitchen counter.  There it sits for 2-3 days til I get around to putting it away.  I’m done.  I’m done looking at clothes on my counter, and pulling a dish out of the dishwasher because I was too lazy to put it away after they were clean. Take action, improve your life- that’s my new motto.

I’ve been in a slump about cooking.  Not anymore.  For me, cooking is a social thing, whether there be two parties, or more.  Now it’s a ME thing, and I’m not going to put off cooking because there’s no one else there to enjoy it.  Plan out lunches, stop eating out, and get smart again.  I shall suffer through these days of frozen lunches, and in turn stirring up the motivation to stop the nonsense.  I will treat myself once a week to a reasonably priced, non fast food meal.  That I will try to reflect into my weekend as well.  Unless some kind man decides to treat me otherwise.  I would only be so lucky if I could return the favor as well…  

I guess I can only blog from now, letting everyone (all three of you) know how my sheer torture is going.  I started off on one track, and ended up on a different train.  Bare with me people, I may be eating pasta tonight, but at least it’s not Ramen.  I’d rather starve.

I felt good this morning. I woke up before my alarm went off! Looked at the time, 5:22am.. jumped out of bed and got ready for work. I was running right on time, according to my schedule.

Seeing how I still haven’t received my checks with the new address, I’ve had to give my apartment complex a money order for rent.  Since I know the two places across the street only take cash for m.o. I went to the gas station a little bit farther away so I could also get gas.  My plan was flawless.

So I placed my Slimfast down and ask for a pack of cigs and a money order.  She grabbed her book to record my driver’s info. and to log the amount.  So she runs my card, and hands me my receipt.  Just then she realizes they have new owners and they’re not selling any money orders right now.  So I assumed a simple transaction, a refund, and I would be out the door mildly frustrated by the inconvenience.  However, it wasn’t letting her refund the money back to my card.

I was in a mild panic because as time went on, I was pushing time to get to work, and wondering how to fit in another stop for the m.o.  I had to have this in the apartment’s night drop box before they got there at 9.  After about an hour, she connected with a part owner, and let him know she needed him to be there to get into the back room so the people in FREAKIN GUATEMALA could dial in to their system.  She stated he wouldn’t be there for another half hour or more, and asked if I was willing to wait.

At this point I was irritated because just like her, I have a job.  If I had to live a very broke next two weeks because of the late fees & difference of pro-rate on my rent, I would just have to deal.  I left her my information and told her to plase call when she had more information, and that I would be back around 5pm to resolve the problem.

Luckily my boss was understanding about my tardiness.  So a half hour after being at work the lady called and asked if I could come back.  They needed my card to swipe for the refund.  At this point I could have cried.  After some rational conversation, I was able to decide I could go around lunch time. 35 mins there, 35 mins back..

I called my apartment complex and thankfully because I had never been late before, they let it go.  I’m on a pro-rated lease, so I would have had to pay the late fees, also make up the pro-rated amount.  I’m very lucky they’re so kickass!!

I was gone about an hour and a half, the half which was paid, the hour (not so much..) and got the refund almost immediately.  So then I went to Basha’s to get a m.o. and they only take cash. Then I went to Albertson’s (for me to STEP into an Albertson’s is against every fiber in my being but I was desperate).  They only take cash as well (I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON I SHOPPED AT FRY’S!). SO I said to hell with it and just drove back into work.

So I’ve wasted almost a quarter tank of gas, I still haven’t paid my rent, it’s 3pm, I’ve barely got any work done, and I’m blogging about my hellish day.  I’m sooo surprised you didn’t see me on the news rocking back and forth mowing down a bag of Doritos whilst singing Prince’s Purple Rain right in the middle of the gas pumps.  Shocked my head didn’t explode.

POA (that’s Plan Of Action):: Leave work at 4, go to Fry’s, pay rent, go online and check status of check’s with new address, make a very strong drink, and pretend like today never happened.  Oh crap, forgot B is coming over to watch Heroes.  Scratch that.  Rewrite:: after rent, make strong drink, straiten up house, Taco Bell & Heroes & Medium and pretend like today never happened.

Please please tell me that I took some of the bad juju away from your Monday, and that yours was a hellofa lot better!

For me?!

Pssh. Mondays.

My parents met at a bar.

6 months later they got married.

2 years later they had a little bundle of joy. ME! I still don’t understand why my Mom always says “One was ENOUGH!”.. hmm.. something I’ve always pondered.

So my parents had a house built in Ahwatukee, (Phoenix, AZ) and we moved in when I was 2 years old.  The day the movers came with all of our stuff, lil Kat decided she would mark her territory, apparently.  My Mom and Dad were busy with boxes and organizing when lil Kat wandered off from the kitchen.  As she approached the long hallway leading to the bedrooms, ripped off her big girl panties and decided to poop all the way down the hallway, giggling endlessly as she strolled along.  Mom and Dad were none the wiser until they realized the lil one had gone missing in the house.  Mom came looking for me and found me hiding in their closet (well, my newfound clubhouse that is) and couldn’t help but laugh.  Apparently Dad didn’t find it as funny, but still proceeded to appease me with a smile.

Mom still to this day likes to tell this, yes, to boyfriends.  I don’t mind though, because I didn’t know any better, and hell.. they gotta come to realize what they’re getting themselves into… right?!

Though my days of pooping on the carpet are gone, I still get excited when there’s new carpet around..

BROUGHT ON BY:: @Karrock on Twitter

@katlilytwit LOL sure! You never got happy after making a bathroom deposit when you were just a lil kat? =)

I don’t understand this whole present being.

I have maintained myself through so many years. I am somehow sensing the past should be left as it is, and I should definitely leave it there.  It’s kind of sad.  I see so many people who have kept high school friends, yet I guess if I want to keep them, I need to revert to those behaviors.  That’s all fine and dandy for them, so I have been shown, but you won’t catch this girl living that life.  I’ve got bigger and better things in mind.

I am intrigued by how Face book has come into play these days.  I have people contacting me that I haven’t talked to in 9+ years.. and well let’s face it, seriously, we never were really friends!  Why do you want to be my friend now?  I swear there’s better things to do.. like throw a Frisbee, or eat dog food.  I am not the person to contact out of nowhere and expect.. friendship?  Why don’t you just, I don’t know, forget about the whole being 16 thing again, and get adult about it?

There’s a limit.  We don’t have each other’s phone numer’s for a reason, it super cute that you thought we could make super cute FB comments about each other, now let’s get over the bullshit, and move on with real life.

If that’s cool wichoo, it’s coo witchmee.

And that is my attempt at starting a bad sentence and also, making cool lingo with the newbies (ha) who might read my old lady blog.

Yeow.

Um… BTW the only thing keeping me on FB is 2 second cousins and 1 cousin who lives in MN with her PP fam.  So I might just have to find a better way to hawk watch over the lil ones!

This will be an on-going, occasionally updated post of the companies I am boycotting because of their ridiculously annoying commercials, with an explanation as to why.

1.  Subway. $5 Footlong, need I say more?  The commercial gets even worse when they let random people screech out their jingle.

2.  SafeLight Repair. Safelight repair, safelight replace. Jingle is nails on a chalkboard, and the lame stories read by untalented actors makes it even less tolerable.

3. Just Brakes.  Ok, the sound of the phone at the beginning doesn’t catch my attention, it’s my warning to MUTE. They used to start the commercial with screeching brakes. BAD move. Now it’s just a terrible conversation bt/w the worst female voice on radio to date and a man with the personality of a stick.

4. Mark Waddles. The End. I will boycott anything and everything he promotes.

5. THANKS to @binhog737 on Twitter, she reminded me how violent I feel when I hear little people singing on the new Jack in the Box commercial.. Mini surloin burgers. Common.  Can’t you leave well enough alone, and let them sell themselves?  They’re sliders. EVERYBODY loves sliders.

6.  Ok Sir Mix Alot.  Has it really come to this?!  Bye bye Burger King.. “I like square butts” is officially creepy, and even though I boycott your food, I will NOT let you ruin Spongebob for me. Damn, and I liked their fries.

7.  Albertsons. I don’t even care about their commercials, I won’t EVER shop at one again.  If they were the last grocery store left, I would rather starve.  I’ve always had bad service there, I can’t find a damn thing, and the people suck.

The whole story ::

4pm, leave work and joyfully skip into nearby dive bar and enjoy a cocktail and Internet.  After maybe 20 minutes I went out for a smoke, and to get my work bag out of my car. I was texting someone and after I sent it I set it on top of my car. Dug my bag out and went inside.

About 10 minutes later the now not preggo crack whore from across the way where the bums live, came in to get ice (she didn’t say please) then left.  About 10 minutes later my favorite person I’ve ever met in a bar, the bartender, made a remark about how she was surprised I wasn’t texting away as normal.  Funny.

That’s because my phone was being traded for drugs.

I called my Mom & Dad, changed my voice mail, suspended my service, and continued to freak out.

SO after mass hysteria, and tears shed, I left for home just before 7pm. I decided to pop in on my friends M & B, so I could text my phone from his.  So I told them the story, I called and had my service un-suspended, and began to text furiously. 

“Please return my phone. I don’t need to know who you are, I just want my memories back. We can make arrangements, I will pay you for it, just please respond so we can work it out” …. and so on.

So eventually after a good amount of time, I went home.  I sat on the computer, I’m sure Twitterererers were a little blow away by my not so proper or pleasant tweets.. and thank god for the internet. My friend sent me a message on Yahoo saying the person responded and was willing to meet us.

JOY!

So I stopped at the ATM, pulled out $100 HARD EARNED MONEY and broke it into two parts.  $60, and $40. I don’t see why I should pay $100 for my own god damn phone. 

So we called a few reinforcements, Big M and my old boss (bar owner) to come out and wait for this douche.  My friend M was the one who ended up trading the guy $80, after initial $60 was turned down.

I should have got his license plate, yes I prob. should have done more about it, but honestly the douche was nice enough to drive from Phoenix to Tempe, and give my phone back.  Whatever, I just wanted my phone back!  I disinfected the hell out of it, and my baby was back in momma’s arms.

So after a good cry, lots of hugs, and a free tab I drove home.

You may wonder why this girl has such an attachment. Why I just didn’t “give up and just get a new one” as so many suggested.

Why?

This girl doesn’t cry over spilt milk, she cries over the loss of over 1,300 pictures (for those of you who know me well enough, pictures are my life.. pictures keep me going!) and a whole calendar of birthdays, death remembrance dates, up and coming plans, anniversaries, etc.  Did I also mention I have 57 Notes in my phone app. of things to remember?  Yea, my phone tells me to breathe, blink, sleep, and wake up.

That is why I am out of $80 and a good night’s rest.

So I learned a very expensive lesson yesterday. When parking a car with a window that doesn’t roll up in the back parking lot of a dive bar in which you can see homeless people lurking…

Don’t leave your phone on TOP of your car, put it inside next to the $120 BCBG heels, and your Mac make-up bag with near $150 worth of make-up and just next to your wallet. They won’t steal it than!